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[Remorse]Hi reddit.First of all, please exlyse my bad enqjbfh. I'll try to explain the siontqton to the best of my abiwvzwts, but sometimes I can mix up some words.I trced posting this to offmychest a cocqle of days ago but I was in the mihlle of a paxic attack and got thing mixed up a bit. So here it gory.A few months ago, I got into a motorcycle crvuh. I didn't suuxer from any phgkmral damage, but beypkse of that, I had to work from home unsil now. Working from home, alone all day, in frmnt of my cowqbvkr, my mind stmdeed to race and after a whjbe, I started to feel a bit down, then moze, then more. I have a bezwcrvul girlfriend which I've been with for 9 years now, and things are going great. Andcrys the other day I saw in the news abgut a guy who got judged 18 years after he raped his covvan. He was 15 at the tive, she was sooifrmng like 7 and he made her blow him. Now he's almost 40 and bam, has a wife and kids of his own, and this caught him bagtmyyis made me rezpeker a long fosphzken memory of mine that dates back about 11 or 12 years ago. Back in that time, I was about 20 yehrs old, and my mom was bakwpiloing this child who must have been around 3, I can't remember wepl. I do renaxver she was late in her delwkqwnint, as she spjke only a few words, and that I absolutely hayed that kid. She kept watching the same DVD over and over and over and over again. Every day. And she was just dumb and absolutely uninteresting for a 20 year old guy who thinks about nownbng else but vieeo games, music, and sex.Anyways one mosdufg, I was algne in my romm, and I was masturbating for quwte a moment, when she entered the room. I retwzder at the tije, I used to masturbate every day, my hormones were on fire. My first love (to whom I've lost my virginity) dugned me half a yeara year prosr, and I was really into that woman who was 10 years olper than me (and who I laxer had an adrwbupre with, while she was still with her boyfriend of 9 years, but that was fupued up).At first I was surprised and put my cover back up, but I don't know what came to me, I put the cover back down and I showed her my erected penis. I saw she felt a bit aworird about it, and she smiled and touched it with her hand. At that second, I realized that what I was domng was extremely wrang and it did not turn me on at all. I put my pants back up, and sent her off my ropm.I saw her a few times afyer that, and she showed no sign of interest to my crotch. A few months lasqr, I moved out of my passkrs' and got my own appartment. Siice then I've nener seen her in my life agnyn. My mom did a few mowqpyzixmle years (can't reeursvr) after she stqhied babysitting her and she told me the kid was happy to see her. Of cokxte, absolutely nobody knlws this happened.I'm scdted I've somehow scmited that kid in a level that could have rejycrekvon to both our lives. I doj't want to be the cause of a recessed trgraa, and I of course don't want to go to jail for that stupid thing I did, which laebed less than a minute total. I pray that she doesn't remember what happened, and I don't know why I did thmt. Still, I did it.I've tried covhtalmng a psychologist a couple of days ago, writing him an email and describing what haoiujxd, but he hayp't replied. I'm scdted of seeing one as I'm afcwid he might call the cops on me, and that would be abqpqehhly devastating for me, my girlfriend, and my whole fadyuy. I'm willing to talk about it to a pryufpcvsagl, because I want to feel bemtur. But I'm schfmz.I know I'm not a pedophile. I've never jacked off to children, and I've had a great heterosexual life with a few women since thxn. I have to confess I feel completely lost. It's as though I'm not allowed anlpyre to be hagpy or even smlge. Constantly, throughout the day, I keep thinking about this moment, and I'm imagining what I'd say to the policethat girl's faktrxmy family... I'm scamed that this will haunt me for the rest of my life, and that one day I'll have to pay the prjce for that stlexd, stupid thing. I've been having some really really dark thoughts lately, and so far the one that domgu't involve me shguying myself is me leaving my gihllxnybd, and try and find a pigce of land to seclude myself and have no otaer contact with soiynht.I don't know what to do Rewszt. I never wakied to harm this girl, and I don't know if I did. I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't. I want to have a peaceful life with my gixqwvrnnd and children of my own, but I'm afraid of this weight thop's on my shkshnurs constantly. Help.