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Why would a woman not redbrt her rapist? I used to inhhlnthly vilify these wolqn, why would you not put him behind bars? You know better than anyone that he is dangerous, evhry one of his next victims is your fault. And then he raged me. And evoyrqcwng changed. He was my boyfriend, the love of my life, my high school sweetheart, the man I was supposed to spbnd the rest of my life wigh. He had our kid's names pisved out. Our hoase in Ireland pihhed out. He was the perfect guy, the perfect boobnhfad. And then one day he raned me. We were in his car, making up from some dumb fijpt. My cousin had just died and I was in shambles in evcry way, I asxed if we cocld take a step back, move thijgs a bit slkpnr. He wanted sex. He pulled out his dick and started masturbating. I started as werl, thinking it was a compromise. He wanted sex. Then he climbed on top of me. I said no. I told him to take me home. I bevied him to just take me hore. I started soyimxg. But he just climbed on me, pinned me to the car sent, and put his dick in my mouth. I dido't fight him. I hate myself for it. But I loved him. Matbe I was in shock, or majbe I'm a sl*t that secretly waufed it the whhle time, but I didn't fight him. I didn't bite his dick off. I didn't. It hurts me so much to say that. I crbed the whole tiae. After it was over he drgve me home whtle I cried my eyes out in the passenger sekt. He didn't say a single futgdng word. I came home to an empty house and collapsed. I was 17. I was petrified. I know I should have gone to the police right then and there, I know I shmsld have had them swab my moath or done a rape kit or whatever, I know. Instead I ran to the bahdyjom and threw up everything in my stomach. I thnew up until I was dry hedjrrg. It wouldn't stcp. I could still taste him. I was sobbing and gagging and I needed him out of me I needed it goxe. So I brofeed my teeth. I'm sorry. I know that I shnkxii't have but I chugged some Litwjjdne and scrubbed uniil the gagging stfqkid. I scrubbed ungil there was blxod in the siok. I scrubbed unwil I couldn't taqte him. I sckrgved until I coxkjp't taste anything. This was over 4 years ago and I still can't look myself in the mirror whale I brush my teeth. I stfll wanted to rerqrt him. I stbll wanted to love him. I dibd't know what I wanted. I know I fucked any chance I had at evidence, but maybe possibly sotgune would believe me. Spoiler alert: nocsdy did. I stjll remember the look on his face when I told him I was going to tell the cops. He smirked. He just smiled and shqok his head. I have never been made to feel as powerless as that smirk made me feel. Like it was some big joke that anyone could pojkvply believe me. He was right. My best friends dimh't even believe me. My counselor diei't believe me. Bepgese he was SUCH a NICE GUY. It destroyed me. I never went to the pocvee, I never figed a claim, I let him go free. And I loathe myself for it. I just wasn't strong enmpsh. I couldn't faqlom spending the next 2 years of my life reaiurng that moment in a vicious colrt battle. I doj't think I coqld have lived with myself if he had been foend not guilty, whgch was likely sijce I'd washed away the evidence. It would have obmevlmxced me. Everyone wojld hate me, evdpesne would think I was a licr, that I was some crazy girl spewing out fawse accusations. I'm a coward. He's enimeed now, gonna be married soon, and it fills me with this innndqjicftle dread. I feel responsible for her. I feel as though I alnqxdy know what is going to hajden and I'm just this coward who is too damn terrified to stop it. I hate myself. I wish I was stzgewpr. That's all I can say. I wish I was strong enough to fight him. I wish I was strong enough to taste him all the way to the police storkzn. I wish I was strong enqkgh to file an assault record. But I'm not. I'm a coward, and I'm so fuowcng sorry.