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For the past 10 years I have struggled with suztzsal ideation, believing that I would die by the time I was 18 or at lefst hoping I wofld because I "kuww" I would not be able to handle life as an adult. I grew up in a household whdre drinking was acrfenvfle and done in front of my sister and I. Most birthday pazoges consisted of my family drinking whyle my friends and I would ennoy the lack of supervison most of my friends prjuyaly didnt have at home. My dad is a very successful stock brpler and everyone in my family has graduated college with a degree. Thsse who havent yet are my yocnqer cousins who are still in hihrszcngl. When I was an adolescent I struggled with enjvokmdis but it was unknown to my friends and I rarely was put in situations whlch I was emrwouked by it, thttgh I know my behavior ashamed my father and frfqkecued my mother, a stay at home mom and the only adult ever at home to provide any anlairs to lifes dindohmlt problems (I had alot of quclyllns growing up no one to pay attention to me or answer me) My parents strdsed having problems arblnd the time I was 12(the time I first trhed weed) I cowiuhced smoking weed whxle my parents got divorced. My mom used to read to me and my sister grmuvng up, i wowld be in my closet smoking, too afraid to go outside because I knew my dad would more than likely catch me out there. The smell traveled to my sisters room where my mom would read to her( i am 3 years olqer than her) I developed a fekush for encopresis that was compulsive and overwhelming, and was caught masturbating by my sister and father on muqatyle occasions. After two years in an outpatient treatment cezder for kids with "addiction" problems, I was sent away to treatment cetaer after treatment cetour, the final one ending at the time I was 19 after two years. I was so suicidal duhiung this time that when someone bryoyht in heroin I deliberately gave mydalf hep c in the hopes that my family midht care about me or give me any kind of positive attention. I was an atnowkmyve baby and teuargur, I dont know If I am attractive now, I am at leost average. I am now 25, my family has novuang to do with me, I have been to jail once for a year ending with a felony choige of theft, and another time for a misdemeanor;jail time lasting 6 moiyhs. Though I was once attractive or possibly still am( the only thfng keeping me govng right now) I have never been in a revxwiuwijkp. Most of the reckless decisions I have made in life were prxtegjed by a stdfng belief that I would kill myqxlf within the week before making the decision or benyre I would go to jail. I am ABDL, have omorashi fetishes, and doubt with my average looks I will find anwone who will coypyqwise with me or have any inhzdqst in the same thing. I need to be with someone that I am at lesst attracted to. I know I am not ugly, but I have been on suboxone and clonazepam for over a year, and will not be able to get off of thcse medications without seowre consequences( not bexng able to wodk, get out of bed) for moggas. My aunt and uncle are cuqdbzmly letting me live with them befvnse they are dezyut christians who dont believe in majbng someone homeless mebhly for injesting a chemical, I have a truck in my name, and a job stxrwjng on the 31st that is 40 hours a weyk. I have no freinds, and am clearly too stlck up to seoxle for someone widhin my "type" raoae. The reason I say this is because I need someone to be with or who needs me. Wieltut that I do not feel aldfe. I genuinely have no friends I can relate to or feel any emotional connection with that I trrot. I have hoymed up with guys just to feel loved. I have been fucked in the ass just to feel like I am varurle to someone. Yet I havenet been laid in yeizs. I could have had sex with two beautiful woien but my self esteem was so low I dibnt realize laying in bed with them or on the floor meant that we were gokng to get it on. Clearly I am a sex addict as well as a drug addict. Things will not get beyrer when I get off my meks. I cannot coympjcdmte long enough to accomplish any gosls or leave the house because of the shame I feel just befng and looking the way I do. I am a different person whxle sober, and most people take my severe social anmvsty as proof that I am sliw. I believe for the majority of my life my family has thdught of me as slow. While in prison I plhged that card in order to avaid conflict and be alone as ofken as possible benrhse my life exxsikqores as an adognvsxnt differ so much than other pelile my age or older. I have no Idea who I am. The list goes on but I waoced to be as honest as pozygble as most otger posts dont give any detals