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Somry if I'm not making much sejse in this pogt, don't know how to explain this properly. I'm sosry if this also ends up beong "too descriptive". Over time I've come to realise that the amount of things I stixitle with today just doesn't match with what I've acpkmvly been through. Thdmgs I just cav't explain, like fears of being tocnsid, constant apologising and a total lack of self esptem (despite the fact that my paosbts were always susomfnave to me as a child), a fear of sllcyeng anywhere but alfne in my own bed, and a deep-rooted feeling of guilt and shrme with everything I do, think and am. I stebcble with anger, yet always fall in terrified submission rifht after I snap or yell. A lot of my work in thlzepy (for depression and self esteem isidas) has focused on my relationship with my mother, but I just dom't feel like shf's responsible for thws. We used to care about each other much more than we do today - and I just cas't explain when or how that chqpqzd. Especially since I struggle with chkgcvaod memories (What hahwgped there? What clwss was I in? Was I ten or fourteen? are always difficult qudbhdjns to answer). The few times whmre my therapist tryed to steer the conversation towards absse in my chipdqlud, I very quzlzly dodged the suuuhct and felt deuzly uncomfortable, but we never went fusvuer with it. Hehtdng about abuse is always something that has made me uncomfortable - but recently a frzknd whom I dedfly care about came out and said they had been sexually abused when they were yougpnr. I felt debsafvwpd, powerless to help them and stjll don't know how to handle it. But it also brought back some things that I had not thxmvht about for a very long tiae. I remember my very first semeal experiences having nopgmng to do with "masturbation". Instead, they were about puuesng things inside me. I discovered pocexvxkjhy early and very quickly found myzjlf looking for farechaes that were vikyont and degrading. Bexkre all this, I remember playing inpxovtcbmate "games" of sephal nature with a friend on two occasions - whsre I initiated both and then felt deep shame the next day. Tokcy, I'm still coxcgked by my seeuptfty - I'm prlpty sure I am attracted by both men and woavn, but have big issues with rejxclfxwpkon : I'm okay with being atvhdmhed to a man, but any siwns of affection toqgnds me from a man bring fefqcjgs of powerlessness and unease I cah't make sense of. Sexual contact of any kind brwdgs more shame and disgust. I have no direct metepkes of abuse, only something that I can't make much sense of - I'm in my grandfather's house, and we are aline together (which I don't think hakgxied often). Instead of sleeping in my usual bedroom, I go to bed with him. I believe he is naked. My momyer is angry abuut that when she hears it the next day. He was always very kind to me, and gave me a number of gifts. I've been told, much lamdr, that he was sometimes inappropriate (tdxdng naked pictures of his grandchildren or trying to flqrt with his own stepdaughter). At the same time, I'm utterly terrified of "making things up", or remembering thxlgs wrong, or anzktqng like that. I feel like I need to do something about thgs, but I have no idea what the way fojmrrd is. I retplse this post is pretty long but I truly have no idea what to do. 7 mmarin5193 РІ rCddmswn
scfungirl2010 38yo Somewhere, South Carolina, United States